Love hemorrhage
This is the story of how life blessed me with a family.
This is the story of how life made it hard to have a family.
I chose to tell both -
It’s the same story.
Finalist for the DFA, 2022 Canada - Documentary Family Awards
—-
It wasn’t supposed to be this way... It started out with a desire,The one to bare life.But life itself isn’t fair, And told me that I had to deserve it. The words are dissonant,The verdict is harsh.The method is hypothetical,The treatment is distressful. Drilling emotions, grasping you to the core.Pain, hope, disappointment, fury,And back to square one with that jaded smile. Decontrol over the wished outcome,Science seldom trumps nature.Patience is my enemy, but I keep him close,One day I will have the upper hand.—-
2022(Switch to landscape format if on a smartphone)
CLEAR BLUE DAY
August 19th, 2013 – 4pm
I was diagnosed with PCOS - Polycystic ovary syndrome. A term I had never heard of. The cause of my infertility. I felt shame and relief at the diagnose. The shame wore off quickly as I accepted my condition and the challenge to bare kids with external help. After 21 unsuccessful rows of hormonal treatment - lots of tears and a bit of hysteria towards my husband - my gyneco told me to have a “sexy night”. And one clear blue day - the daily syringe, the mental drill - I forgot it all.
INVISIBLE SCARS
October 18th, 2014 – 2am
I asked my husband to drive me to the hospital. He asked me to get out of my pajamas. I told him the pain was so bad I couldn’t even cry. He got the car. 12 hours of examination later, the head dept doctor arrived. Did you eat or drink he asked? My gut feeling had told me not to. I went into surgery. 1 hour turned into 4. Pale as the walls, my husband told me I had internal bleeding – more than 2 liters blood were removed. The cause: perforated fallopian tubes due to two external pregnancies. And the two inside my womb I asked? One survived - but not the twin. Scars on the flesh show, but the hard ones to heal are the invisible ones. From my hospital bed I had a lot of questions. Still unanswered, I chose to be grateful we were alive.
TOGETHER WE GROW
March 6th, 2015 – 6pm
Before puberty I was diagnose with anorexia nervosa. A long uphill battle that until today left triggers. During pregnancy my body gradually started changing. A reflection that was at first difficult to smile back at. Slowly I started to let go and embrace my appearance. I apologized to my body but mostly to you. It wasn’t my body anymore but ours.
CALL ME MOM
June 4th, 2015 – 4am
Within seconds. I loved you. I was scared for you. I couldn’t stop smelling you. And eventually, I lost myself, in you. I became your mother and my identity as a woman had vanished. Without a warning. Within seconds. I had now to find the balance.
FERTILITY HELP MAP
January 10th, 2016 – 10 am
How can I help you, asked my gynecologist as I walked in the room. I wish to have a second kid. We talked for 15 minutes. He agreed but IVF or nothing. IVF it was. Why shouldn’t it work? My husband’s soldiers had already fertilized 4 egg cells…
After leaving surgery I felt the butterflies.
This isn’t my story, it’s our story - the one of brave women and unconditional love for our un/born family.
